**Disclaimer: I am in NO WAY saying that you should not pursue education, Bible training, learn skills, or become proficient in something so you can earn a living and contribute to society. These are all good and you should do them. Now read on.
God has been teaching me some things this past week, and I thought it made enough sense that I should share it with whomever actually reads this blog. I know my grandmother is reading it. Love you Grandmother!
Lesson #1- I am not good enough.
God did not create me to be a perfect being, capable of succeeding in any area if I just try hard enough. Shoot. I can try all I want. The fact of the matter is, I can do anything THROUGH CHRIST who gives me strength. And He is not going to just wave his magic wand over my three wishes. His plan is perfect, and He will help me with those things where I lack good-enoughness, so that it’s evident to everyone around that God is amazing. I’m ok with that. That is more than good enough.
Lesson #2- I’m learning to appreciate what I am, and realize what I’m not.
I have been struggling recently, with that ugly comparison issue, and trying so dang hard to be all things that are good that I feel like I ought to be. Everyone out there knows that a great woman/wife/mom/homeschool can do EVERYTHING. and do it WELL. From SCRATCH.
Let’s go back to lesson #1- I am not good enough. And that has frustrated me.
Sometimes my food is inedible. Sometimes my kids stare at screens all day. I cut myself everytime I cut my kid’s hair. I yell too much. I don’t always make my kids brush their teeth. I feed my kids boxed mac n cheese with hotdogs. I know, in theory, good things my kids should be doing, but I don’t follow through all the time. Not in discipline, not with daily habits, not with my golf swing. Golf, whatever.
BUT (there is a redeeming positive point to all this ranting. Just need you to know I’m real-life-human.)
-I AM a child of God, and He loves me more than I could ever fathom.
-I know a thing or two about education, and nutrition, and my kids are learning some cool stuff, even though we aren’t moving very quickly through the workbooks..
-My husband feels pretty fulfilled when there is a smile on my face.
-I am a good friend. I know how to love, and encourage, and drop everything for you if that’s what you need. -I am good at baking. If you need carbs, call me.
I’m learning to let go of what I’m not. There are things I TRY and TRY and TRY at, and it’s not happening.
I kill plants. I can’t garden. Not happening.
I will never be on Chopped. My impulsive creative cooking is good for food fights.
My house will never look pristine. I’m not type A in anything, and my house reflects that.
Letting go has been like FREEDOM! Fireworks-worthy, even.
BUT. And this is a big BUT. God can do whatever He wants. All the things in my life that have been revolutionary, transforming, jaw-dropping awesome…. are things that were on my “I’m not…” list, and God said, “Now you are. With ME.”
LIke teaching my kids. That was God’s idea, not mine. Teaching ESL in my neighborhood- God’s idea. Running? Josh’s idea. 🙂 But Christ gives me the strength to get through it, every painstaking step, every labored breath, every self-doubt. Because when I finish the daily goal, I know God made it happen. Not me. And that is more than good enough.
This week I’m learning to let it go. (cue the song from Frozen). I’ve disconnected a lot from social media, because I realized that was feeding into my comparison issues. I’m letting my mind be quiet and undistracted so I can hear what God is telling me. And that’s awesome. It’s what it’s all about. He doesn’t need me to be good at what He wants me to do. He’s more than good enough. I just need to offer my humble, broken, real self, and let Him pour Himself out through me, and His light shining through my life is amazing.
To God be the glory.
(If you love reading, check out this book. It’s been very refreshing and encouraging!)