I slept well last night. Thankful for that physical rest, after several days of feeling a little tormented in my soul. Feeling like tears were ready to spill, anxiety loosely settled around my heart. Fatigue does a number on the emotions, and maybe everything was blown a little out of proportion, after holiday fun and hosting volunteers.
But there is a battle going on inside me- a battle between the things I need to do and not wanting to do them. The root? Fear of failure. If I can’t do it right, I don’t want to do it at all.
If I follow it through, that leaves me with nothing. If I don’t
do the things live the life that I KNOW God called me to, then I’m just living a shadow of the full life God intended If I’m afraid to mess up my kids, then I won’t pour into them but someone else will. If I’m afraid I will fail in my ESL classes, nobody will be a light to these students. If I get overwhelmed at managing my house, it will eventually crumble due to the ants that have tunneled their way through the walls, and self-destruct in a pile of rust and mold and dust. Where does the dust come from? I live next to the ocean… Things I will never understand….
I’ve spent some quality time today writing out my loose goals for this year. Goals that tackle my heart, soul, mind and strength. At the core, I want to love the Lord my God with all of those. Practically, I want to have
More FOCUS, less distractions
More ROUTINE, less wasted time
More JOY, less complaints
More DISCIPLINE, less excuses
More SELF-CONTROL, less instant-gratification
More GRACE, less regrets
Ultimately, I’m going to trust that God is sovereign and I am not. I was created to have limitations. On purpose. Self-sufficiency is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to a true relationship with Christ. I was created to need Him and I desperately do. I can’t do this on my own. It’s a theme I keep coming back to because it’s my struggle. But maybe one day, years down the road, I will see progress.