Finding Spark part 2

Part 1- Finding Spark for my Soul

It’s Sunday.

I slept well last night. Thankful for that physical rest, after several days of feeling a little tormented in my soul. Feeling like tears were ready to spill, anxiety loosely settled around my heart. Fatigue does a number on the emotions, and maybe everything was blown a little out of proportion, after holiday fun and hosting volunteers.

But there is a battle going on inside me- a battle between the things I need to do and not wanting to do them. The root? Fear of failure. If I can’t do it right, I don’t want to do it at all.

If I follow it through, that leaves me with nothing. If I don’t do the things live the life that I KNOW God called me to, then I’m just living a shadow of the full life God intended If I’m afraid to mess up my kids, then I won’t pour into them but someone else will.  If I’m afraid I will fail in my ESL classes, nobody will be a light to these students. If I get overwhelmed at managing my house, it will eventually crumble due to the ants that have tunneled their way through the walls, and self-destruct in a pile of rust and mold and dust. Where does the dust come from? I live next to the ocean… Things I will never understand….

I’ve spent some quality time today writing out my loose goals for this year. Goals that tackle my heart, soul, mind and strength. At the core, I want to love the Lord my God with all of those. Practically, I want to have

More FOCUS, less distractions

More ROUTINE, less wasted time

More JOY, less complaints

More DISCIPLINE, less excuses

More SELF-CONTROL, less instant-gratification

More GRACE, less regrets

Ultimately, I’m going to trust that God is sovereign and I am not. I was created to have limitations. On purpose. Self-sufficiency is one of the biggest stumbling blocks to a true relationship with Christ. I was created to need Him and I desperately do. I can’t do this on my own. It’s a theme I keep coming back to because it’s my struggle. But maybe one day, years down the road, I will see progress.



5 thoughts on “Finding Spark part 2

  1. I can relate to all of this and I can add to that a problem with completing things. I like thinking creatively, out of the box, imagining things and how it could go BUT I’m not so good with the follow through. I get easily distracted and basically the rest isn’t as much fun but not completing things feels heavy, like I am dragging all those things behind me. So I have the day off so must get to that to do list so I can lose some of that load!
    So glad to hear your ELS class is growing. The word is spreading, “this girl has something we need!”
    Praying for you! Remember you are bringing the very Spirit of our God right into their presence. Even if you didn’t speak God is doing incredible things by that!

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